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trying to leave my ocean home

by deerxing

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1.
dread 02:41
2.
little place 04:21
i only wanted to be safe i built a little place where things would surely go my way but i have things i want to do outside the walls are thick enough to stay upright no matter what collides and keep the world at bay but now nobody else can hear my cry it's not enough x8 now i am struggling to breathe so badly want to leave i hope the walls just rot away through all the simmering and seething feelings i concede i fear that i am here to stay it's not enough x8 woah woah, woah woah woah, woah it's not enough x16
3.
tuck 02:56
your skin folds were paper thin we couldn't help but take you in your undercoat was paper white and i'm reminded every night we speculate why you were so afraid of smoke were you abused, or did a fire take your home? it's so much easier to think one of those two than it would be to know that there's somebody else who misses you and in the face of your disease your loving charm would never cease eternal source of comfort right and you remind me every night but by the end we saw you tire your step uneven, frame of wire what evil power did conspire to take you from me, start this fire? we speculate why you were so afraid of smoke were you abused, or did a fire take your home? it's so much easier to think one of those two than it would be to know that there's somebody else who misses you ah, ah we speculate why you were so afraid of smoke were you abused, or did a fire take your home? it's so much easier to think one of those two than it would be to know that there's somebody else who misses you
4.
fair weather 03:30
if I could call you a fair weather friend a hurricane started six years ago and didn't end 'cause after all I did with you, you seem to have forgotten if you could call us a fair weather band a flood came in three years ago and didn't end 'cause after all I did to you, you seem to have remembered and after all, I don't deserve it any other way sometimes we get to win a battle other times we have to lose whether we stay on the saddle lies in which losses we choose if you could call me a fair weather man i guess it depends on your forecast 'cause after all I did in spite of you for moving onward I hope that you've forgiven me 'cause after all the steps away we built our own paths forward and after all, we're all okay.
5.
i had a home on solid ground dry land and plenty of open air you lived at the bottom of the sea subject to any kind of wear you pulled me into your home my sensitive skin made it so you and i were galvanic corrosion you were something more noble pulling me into the ocean you and i were galvanic corrosion you were something more noble pulling me into the ocean i withered down to skin and bone blaming me instead of you dodging around the plainly there, i hid myself from what was true since i'm so far from you now i can see clearly how you and i were galvanic corrosion you were something more noble pulling me into the ocean you and i were galvanic corrosion you were something more noble pulling me into the ocean i built a porthole in my bedroom, i don't know what for god knows what sorry souls reside inside the ocean you'd done it once before and you would do it a hundred more if any more would follow you down to the deep sea floor how cruel that i should favor blue when i live near no open sky or sea obscene to have you favor green when ice and open water's all you see, oh you and i were galvanic corrosion you were something more noble pulling me into the ocean you and i were galvanic corrosion you were something more noble pulling me into the ocean
6.
to whom it may concern: i'll never lie. i'll bake it all inside and put it on display as nicely iced and then in time maybe i will find that you deserve to know so you're there for a while and i prepare to tell you all of it for just a chance that you are interested i've got too much practice secret keeping i am far too used to holding back i am too invested in your knowing i am too afraid of going back you were there for a while but now you're gone and now you're gone ooh, ooh, ooh and now it's just as though i've just begun with no one knowing me knowing no one [i've got too much practice secret keeping] ooh
7.
it isn't right it isn't right but i don't have the time to put up a fight you keep the score ask me for more so i just try to write i'm writing wrong righting no wrongs i take all i should share and stuff it in a song trying at art falling apart plodding along but i don't care anymore about the way you said that this could only be a secondary thing and i don't care anymore about the way you told me i could only be somebody in a dream it isn't right it isn't right but i don't have the time to put up a fight you keep the score ask me for more so i just try to write i'm writing wrong righting no wrongs i take all i should share and stuff it in a song trying at art falling apart plodding along but i don't care anymore about the way you said that this could only be a secondary thing and i don't care anymore about the way you told me i could only be somebody in a dream and i don't care anymore about the way you said that this could only be a secondary thing and i don't care anymore about the way you told me i could only be somebody in a dream ooh x4
8.
plans 03:16
plans to make plans follow through falling through seems to be the only kind of thing that those plans do i try to move me to make me talk to you easier to say than it's to do plans to make plans follow through falling through seems to be the only kind of thing that those plans do i try to move me to make me talk to you easier to say than it's to do
9.
i pick 'em for the queen so many hours a week i pick 'em when they're red to make sure they are sweet i cut 'em carefully to make 'em safe to eat but when i gave her them she said to me: "i think i bit a cherry pit while eating cherries that you picked i could have choked, you must admit; your punishment is banishment." and they say that there's mercy in their ways but there ain't no there ain't, no way they won't say how they'd rather keep me alive and away than dead in their face i pick 'em for myself and my family i pick 'em while they're there to make sure we can eat we eat around the pits out in the wilderness now life is difficult and dangerous there's wild bears, evasive hares there are no bustling markets here i miss the tools, the solid roofs i miss the town where there were rules and they say that there's mercy in their ways but there ain't no there ain't, no way they won't say how they'd rather keep me alive and away than dead in their face i came unhinged, i sought revenge i used some bait and leather bands the bear i tame will leave her maimed and bite her bones without complaint! i won't claim that there's mercy in my ways 'cause there ain't, no there ain't, no way when they take away everything but your name you just may you may go insane and they say that there's mercy in their ways but there ain't no there ain't, no way when they take away everything but your name you just may you may go insane!
10.
afternoon. can we talk? i've been thinking about me and you. me and you i have said in the past how i feel about you. that's not changed. i'm a fool. if i keep seeing you, how many times will you have to tell me that you don't want this - not with me? how many times will you have to tell me that you don't want this - not with me? you're so wonderful; can't you forgive me for my wishful thinking? so how many times will you have to tell me that you don't want this - not with me?

about

"trying to leave my ocean home" is the debut album of deerxing. the songs were written and produced gradually between 2014 and 2019 at one house, one apartment, and one graduate school desk. it is about successes and failures in overcoming isolation. it is a collaboration between me and production limitations (time, software, skill, courage). it is scattered among genres and i think you will find something you like if you listen through. i present it with all my love.

credits

released November 1, 2019

all writing, performances, and production by richard blocher (deerxing), except:
-clarinet performance by michael t. lemieux (track 7)
-additional writing by derrick walter (track 8).

special thanks to brett williams, max mattingly, derrick walter, jack doran, david blocher, will blocher (listeners, encouragers, friends). the album title is borrowed from the lyrics of "choice mountain" by everything everything.

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deerxing Columbus, Ohio

deerxing ("deercrossing") is the solo recording effort of richard blocher. the music aims to be an homage to the experiences and music that shaped it, and it lands somewhere else that is new, and also good. a deer crossing is the intersection of natural and artificial infrastructures that only exists because both are present. drive safely. ... more

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